#BoLiever: Get Pelini To Cincinnati

I'm a Boliever. We need to get Bo Pelini back in normal people football and not this Youngstown State FCS poor people football. Get Bo Pelini in the American Athletic Conference, and a year later Cincinnati is ranked #23 in the nation with nine wins and you're going to the Birmingham Bowl and losing by three touchdowns all while getting to watch Bo Pelini yell "LET EM PLAY" at AAC referees. Get him a grey hoodie, a white hat, and he'll bring khakis, white dad shoes, a headset, a funny Twitter account, a lot of yelling and nine wins. That's the Pelini Covenant. 

Bo Pelini's new best cat friend .

It's the perfect fit. Pelini's an Ohio guy and a cat guy. What else could he possibly want from a football team? Purdue took Jeff Brohm and that's fine, but Cincinnati might be Team BoLieve's last chance to get back to regular people college football. 

But until then, Team Bolieve chugs along in the FCS Playoffs playing Wofford. Literally have never heard of Wofford. Didn't even know this school existed. Apparently they run the triple option. Big time Navy/Georgia Tech feel. They lost to Samford in the regular season. Not worried about it. We fucking smoked Samford. Literally got fifteen yards every time we ran the ball. We're at home. It's gonna be 26 degrees out. Pelini's gonna be in his grey hoodie doing his poor man's Tom Coughlin red face. Wofford's head coach is gonna be in George Costanza's gortex parka and we're going to play defensive Big Ten field position football and punch our ticket to the semifinals.

P.S. I haven't watched wrestling in like four years, but this might be the dumbest wrestling video I've ever watched. This guy stinks.

Peak Meathead Lebron Last Night

Dude, don't throw the water bottle on the court, dude, coach is going to get mad at you.

Dude, dude, it's fine, it's OK. Dude, coach won't care.

When you realize that your friend is about to do something stupid.

When the shit hits the fan and the teacher sees you on your phone.

When the teacher rips the whole class a new one because that one idiot kid was on his phone and wouldn't stop talking and you just want the beating to end.

When your best friend does some meathead stuff and says cunt out loud in class way too close to the teacher and three other girls sitting at the table next to you and you want to disappear into a hole and never see that person again.

This is why I like Lebron sometimes. He's just a big meathead high school kid who's just goofing around with his dudes. Just having a good time with his buddies. Can't hate on that. Just like that time he grew a mustache.  Can't hate on a guy just wearing the meme.

Live Look At Brock Osweiler Hunting The Laser Pointer

Brock Osweiler pulling a big time Costanza on Monday Night Football, literally blaming the loss on the laser pointer. Flashback to a childhood memory of Brock Osweiler being in a movie theater and having some random guy pointing a laser right at his man boobs. Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?! I wonder if he had to battle maroon Gulf on the way out of the parking lot. Or I wonder if he accidentally lit a Mexican flag on fire.

 

Brock Osweiler shows up with a Ladainian Tomlinson tinted visor next game. You just watch. Or he'll end up like Costanza with ink on his hands because that's not a real laser pen.

Tom Brady Pulling An Impromptu Morty Seinfeld

Look at that, Helen! Look at what he's wearing. That's the Executive. The belt less trench coat. Raincoats were my business The executive was a classic. These haven't been made in twenty years. I sold raincoats in the garment center for thirty-eight years.Tommy pulling out the out belt less trench coat that Morty Seinfeld invented way back in the 1970s. Cheap fabric and dim lighting, that's how you move merchandise.

P.S. Morty Seinfeld is an all time dad character. My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!

Big Time Timmy Jim Took The Suburban Out For A Spin (Big Time Dad Move)

Dad Move

NASCAR is full of dads, but of all of them, Jimmie Johnson is definitely the biggest one. Walking Just For Men Touch of Grey commercial, married with two daughters, drives cars for a living. His main sponsorship is Lowe's which is basically dad central on a Saturday afternoon for all the dads who just want to get out of the house and do that project.

This is a huge dad move. Just taking out the family Suburban out for a spin on the oval with the lights on all be yourself. Just a dad, his thoughts and the long road. Like when dads say I'm going out for a drive and they aren't back for three hours and they just drive on the highway until they get bored and they turn around and come home. You let them do that. They just fuck with people on the highway and yell at people who are driving 60 in the left lane and put on some Who Are You as loud as the speakers go and start screaming out all of the anger that comes with being a dad. Just cruising down I-95 going 90 in the Suburban sounds like such a treat right now. Just to be alone with the road. That is a man's ultimate goal.

P.S. This reminds me so much of fellow dad Louis C.K. Singing the Who to your two little girls in the back seat. Is this not every white dad ever?

Ezekiel Elliot - Hello! I'm Bored! Talk To Me!

Well, his belly button is like a mouth.

I'm booored! Talk toooo me!

Hellloooooo! La la la!

Not at all!

Has anyone ever liked belly buttons more than Ezekiel Elliot? I don't think so. This guy just loves showing people his belly button. Maybe Jerry and George in the belly button episode when they are obsessed with Jerry's girlfriend's talking belly button. The funny thing is that Ezekiel Elliot probably doesn't even know what Seinfeld is. He's definitely a Friends guy.

Anyone Who Says Phil Jackson Is Racist Is Straight Up Wrong

Bada bing bada bang, a white posse. Who would have thunk it.

Anyone who is saying that Phil Jackson is a racist for calling Lebron James and his friends a posse has obviously never watched wrestling before. To those who say posse is just an African American term, Shane O'Mac and the Mean Street Posse is just making you look like a straight up idiot. I saw this on Sportscenter today and my blood pressure spiked up to one thousand. Just ask Mac Daddy, Pete Gas, Rodney and Joey Abs, they'll tell you. Anyone with a brain knows that.

This vignettes are wicked funny. Attitude Era WWF was the best. Now Monday Night Raw is a four hour snooze fest. 

I'll Never Get A Haircut And Feel Completely Good About It

Just a blatant 1A Seinfeld reference that Lib Cat and Kmarko somehow missed on the rundown today. 

Did you ever get the feeling like you had a haircut but you didn't have one? I'm all itchy back here. It's one of those lines that does not make any sense at all but it's still one of the truest things you've ever heard.

I Think If Purdue Hires Bo Pelini, I Have To Become A Purdue Fan

I think I'm serious about this one. If Bo Pelini goes to Purdue, I'm going there with him. If Bo Pelini is back in the Big Ten I would legit get a boner and cum myself in fifteen seconds. We're a package, Bo and myself. Like those two kids on the playground who have to be on the same team when you're playing football. I think I would go all in with the Purdue thing if Bo Pelini coached there. Like I'd buy a Drew Brees Saints jersey, I'd get one of those cool Nike Purdue sweatshirts that I can't get with Nebraska and their German Adidas sweatshirts. I'll become an engineer. Work as a civil engineer somewhere. Build bridges or train tracks or something. Get really into Purdue basketball.

You don't even need a search committee to hire this guy. Immediate 9-4 record and a middle of the road bowl game. If you're Purdue, why the hell would you mess with anyone else? 

P.S. Fuck hat P.J. Fleck guy. I don't care if P.J. Fleck is the most natural Crossfit/triathlon/energy guy in the entire world, Bo Pelini makes that guy pee his pants and call him daddy. Plus any Purdue person who thinks Les Miles is going from LSU to Purdue has to be joking. If you can't have the Mad Hater, why not have his slightly less mad defensive coordinator?

That Was Just A My Bad

Has anyone ever been more wrong about anything ever? I don't think so? Some fantasy players may be tempted to deploy the Buc's D/ST against Jay Cutler in Week 10. However the Bears have looked competent with him under center, and Tampa Bay's personnel doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. Go with another D/ST. Promptly scores 31 points. The guy who wrote this review shouldn't have to be fired. If this guy had any respect for fantasy football, he would just quit and move to the Himalayas and buy a horse and not bother anyone anymore.

This Is Such A Blatant Seinfeld Reference I Have To Blog It

You literally couldn't have a more blatant Seinfeld reference. This is a textbook, 1A, classic reference for the diehard Seinfeld guy. Btw, Pedro Martinez isn't white and English is his second language, so he can basically do whatever he wants without offending anyone. This guy is a pitcher, not Vin Scully. Give him a break.

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Jimmy Garoppolo Goes Out On A High Note

Throws for three touchdowns, 230 yards in a couple quarters. Immediately falls down injured. Alright! That's it for me! Have a good one everybody!

Great move by Jimmy here. Love every part of it. If he stays in the game any longer all he can do is spoil those first two quarters. He can't do any better than that. He can only do worse, so why even stay in at all if you know you're going to win and be back on the bench in two weeks if all it's going to do is lower your free agency stock? You always gotta leave people wanting more.

Instead of buying two Chips Ahoys, only buy one so you leave yourself wanting more. Wanna smoke a little grass? Only do it once a month so when you do do it, it feels awesome and you don't become a drug addict. How about getting a B- in the first term so when you get a B+ in the second your parents are all pumped up? Life isn't that hard. It's just all about showmanship baby. Just trying to get out on a high note in life.

Why Is Eli Manning's Evil Twin Pitching For The Cubs

Kyle Hendricks was separated at birth from the Manning brothers as a baby. I'm convinced. Kyle Hendrick's mother is an evil witch and took this fourth Manning brother and dragged him out to Southern California. There is no other reasonable explanation. Bill Belichick should sign Kyle Hendricks because they'd be getting another Manning brother for two weeks who could ball for two games.

I haven't seen two people look so much alike since Darth Sidious and the Pope

These two dudes are the same person but just in different sports. They always have that same dopey face on the field that people love to make fun of so much. They're both lanky 6'3" white dudes that throw balls for a living. They both can't grow beards. They both have the haircut you got when you were in the fourth grade.

That's a Manning face. Don't tell me that isn't a Manning because a person who isn't a Manning doesn't make that face. 

It's like how you don't wear a Yamaka if you're not Jewish. Or how you don't come home from church with ash on your forehead if you're not a Christian. You don't wear overalls if you aren't a farmer. You're can't be a made man in the Mafia if you're not Sicilian. You don't make these faces if you're not a Manning brother.

Does Colin Kapernick Sits When He Pees?

I don't know what the stigma is with sitting when you pee. If it's 3 A.M. and I wake up and I have to pee, there is literally zero percent chance I am turning on the light, aiming and getting my tired body to stand up for the thirty seconds it takes for me to finish peeing. I am sitting down in the dark, relaxing and then walking back upstairs.  

I guess allegedly Colin Kapernick sits when he pees too. I respect that. That's just called being a practical person. That's just called bringing Coke cans to Michigan to get ten cents. That's just getting the smallest soft drink cup and refilling it twenty times. If you refuse to sit when you pee, you're the guy who refuses to use Ad Block because you want to give money to those freaks on Youtube like Eat Dat Pussy445 who get eight million bucks from selling movie ads on their dumb videos. If you're a dude and you sit down to pee, you just grab life by the balls. Just ask Colin Kapernick (allegedly).

P.S. The time when Larry pees on Jesus in the Bare Midriff Ladies' house.

Its a new age

The comeback is here folks, we are stacking the hay bails, building the walls, and making a new face. We are back and promise to not be some Brett Farve phony that keeps retiring and coming back. We had one break, but are back with more fire than ever. The Farmer and I had to make some business decisions and decided to rebuild the wall. It will be a more strict blog now we gotta find dedicated company men to write with us, it will take time but we will rebuild. However, its time ladies and gentlemen the Average Guy and Farmer are back in business. Its time to build the brand.



P.S Defend the fields

Deep in the Fields Sports