Josh Gordon, Tiger Woods, and the Illuminati: A Seinfeld Conspiracy Theory

Has there ever been a bigger coincidence than these two coming back on the same weekend? Seriously how is it that these two degenerates decide to show back up in the public eye on the same weekend? That's up there with Thomas Jefferson and John Adams dying hours apart and Kramer hitting the golf ball into the whale only to have George pull it out.

Does the Seinfeld episode where Kramer hits the golf ball into the water foreshadow the reinstatement of Josh Gordon with help from the unlikely hero of Tiger Woods? Is the saving of the whale symbolic of Josh Gordon's repentance of his sins and Roger Goodell's forgiveness of the Flash? That's my theory and we'll go through it step by step.

1. Roger thought he could keep the rat out for good when he suspended Flash two years ago. But no, you've got to kill the rat if you want him truly gone, and Roger obviously showed mercy on the rat to keep him around. So do I think these two are in cahoots? No, but it's quite a coincidence. A big coincidence. there are degrees of coincidences, and this is a huge fucking coincidence. So huge that there must be some Illuminati shit going on here. This is like the guy who owned the Appomattox Court House and had the Civil War start and end on his own property. That shit just doesn't happen. There has to be someone pulling the strings on this. 

You also know Roger is out there playing golf with Larry and Tiger somewhere talking about this. You know Roger somehow has a vested interest in golf. He has to. That guy is pure evil. His evil genius knows no bounds. If he can connect Tiger and Flash Gordon for some ratings he's gonna do that shit. When you've got Joe Cool and Tom Savage Monday Night Football games and Odell doing his best Mad Max ankle cutting impression, you need to boost the fucking ratings anyway you can. And if scheduling the reincarnations of two infamous degenerates on the same afternoon is going to do it, then you're damn well sure he's going to fucking do it.

1. Goodell stole Gordon away from the people and Woods stole him right back. Or maybe this whole thing was an inside job and there was a conspiracy to steal Josh Gordon away from the NFL made up by Roger Goodell and Tiger Woods. Is Tiger Woods the modern day Robin Hood? Or is he just another bureaucratic piece in this New World Order puzzle? Think about this, Tiger Woods, noted degenerate, teaming up with Roger to take Gordon away from the game for his own good. Perhaps seeing similar traits in himself, Tiger decided to help Gordon get his life right. Now that Gordon has been rehabilitated, it's time for teacher and student to return to their respective fields of play with the help of Roger Goodell.

Seinfeld, a show about nothing or perhaps something more?

2. Tiger foreshadowed this with the help of Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld by writing an episode about Josh Gordon being forgiven for his sins and being allowed to renter the NFL. This is the Illuminati Seinfeld. Nine seasons of Seinfeld plus three sides to a triangle equals twelve, which is Josh Gordon's number.

3. Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, noted democrats, knew Obama was going to get elected in 1998 ten years before he actually did. Quite the feat until you consider the fact that they are members of the Illuminati and secretly control the entire country. Don't believe me? How do you explain the time that Larry and Barry played golf together??? Does the picture of Obama represent the freeing of the Afro-American people or does it simply represent Roger Goodell freeing Josh Gordon? We may never know.

4. How do you explain the episode where Jerry shows Elaine his "perfectly drawn isosceles triangle?" Just another piece of New World Order propaganda. How do you explain the Junior Mint episode where George buys pieces of art from Elaine's sick boyfriend hoping to make an investment on them after the boyfriend dies. What shapes were those pieces of art? Triangles. Just one of the many Illuminati pieces of propaganda that Seinfeld pushes to its unassuming audience. Show about nothing? I think not. Show about the New World Order? Now that's more like it.

So on Sunday when Tiger steps up to the box and places his ball on a tee, we should all ask ourselves if it's that a Titleist. Because that's what Flash wants to know. 

I Went To Go See About My Old Football Coach

It was all over when Tom left. Eli knew it. I knew it. Anyone with a brain knew it. It was the beginning of the end when Colonel Coughlin left. It was like when Larry David left Seinfeld. When Tom Osborne left Nebraska. When Eric Foreman left That 70's Show. These things happen. People get sick of each other. Bo Pelini gets fired, and all of a sudden your out on the streets with four wins and up the creek without a fucking paddle. Tom Coughlin gets fired and all hell breaks lose. People start going on boat trips, Al Pacino getting a head coaching job, Odell starts doing his best Daniel Day Lewis impression from My Left Foot. Colonel Coughlin was the foundation and Eli was the cement. Everything else was window dressing. Without the foundation, we've just got concrete squirting everywhere like Nickelodeon slime getting in people's eyes in shit. We've got too much fucking filling in our Dutch Apple Pie. We need the crumbly stuff on top that holds all that shit together; that's Colonel Coughlin.

Ben McAboob is that douchey math teacher in Good Will Hunting that tries to get Damon to do all that complicated math shit that never gets Damon anywhere. Leave that complicated shit for Aaron Rodgers. Eli isn't Aaron Rodgers. Eli doesn't want to work for the NSA. He's not built to sit in a fucking room and break code. 

Why shouldn't Eli work for the NSA? It's a tough one but I'll take a shot. Maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa and once they have that location they bomb the village where the rebels are living and 1,500 people get killed. Now the politicians say send in the Marines because it's not their kid over there getting shot. It'll be some kid from Southie over there getting shrapnel in the ass and coming back home to find the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from and the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job because he'll work for 15 less cents a day and no bathroom breaks.

**Spagnuolo having some brews with Eli** 

I'd do anything to have what you got. Any of these guys would. And if you're still here next year I'll fucking kill you. Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. And we go out, we have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. you just left. I don't know much, but I know that. 

Now, if the Giants had any class, which they obviously don't, they'd release Eli so he could take his own boat trip down to Jacksonville and get Colonel Coughlin a real quarterback instead of Blake Bortles. Can Blake Bortles tells you what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel? Can Blake Bortles tell you what it's like to play with a football coach and feel truly happy? Can Blake Bortles tell you about love? No. Ask him about war, he'd probably quote you something from a dusty old book. Ask him about love, he'd probably quote Shakespeare. 

Not Eli. Eli's been through the wars. Eli's loved. Eli knows what it's like to feel truly happy. He's a goofy guy who knows how to get the job done. He's the underdog. If Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are the Phillistines, then Eli Manning is little old David with a football and a sling. If the Patriots are those douchey kids in the Sandlot who wore those weird ear muffs when they hit then Eli is Benny the Jet. Fucking stealing home, building erector sets, jumping fences, anything for the good of the team. And Colonel Coughlin is James Earl Jones. Eli's Charlie Brown when the Peanuts play baseball. The guy is always positive. Always trying to find a way to win. Always finding a way to throw strikes and get people out. Always trying to bring the team together. Always bringing his lunch pail to work. Always taking the ball in spite of the lack of effort from everyone else on the defensive side of the football. And it fucking hurts to see Eli sad man. That sucks when football guys cry. It's up there with your dog dying. I only cry when Eli cries and when Captain Queenan dies in the Departed, and for everyone who's ever loved Eli, this is a night to forget about life for a little while, watch some Good Will Hunting, and remember that it isn't your fault Eli. It's not your fault buddy. It's not your fault. I love you Eli. 

People call these things imperfections, but they're not. That's the good stuff. We get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. Bo Pelini, Eli Manning, Danny Woodhead. They're not perfect, and Colonel Coughlin isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not they're perfect for each other. And God knows Tom and Eli are.

Your move chief.

P.S. Geno Smith is the weird assistant math teacher that Damon always cucks in the movie. Be more of a beta male who can't solve any of the math problems before Damon, you can't.

Marty’s Coming Home

Has anyone ever heard of a player failing to disclose a medical condition designation to the sports team that owns them? I’m giving that a big fat no. I mean you have to be the biggest numb skull to get kicked off an NFL team because of not giving them your physical condition. Unless, this was planned and he wanted to get released. Maybe just maybe he thought to himself, “I want to get back to the promise land in fuckin Foxborough, Massachusetts.” As I used to say back in my Rounders days,”few players recall the big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career.” I went through some tough beats at Teddy KGB’s place, so to change it,  I went back to where it all started taking cash from the schmucks down at the Taj Mahal. So I’m telling you Marty from one grinder to any other, go back to where it all started, that two tight end set with Brady throwing fades to you back in the end zone. 

Right now your numbers are shittier than the musty smell in the Chesterfield Club. It’s pathetic, 24 receptions for 233 yards and 0 touchdowns. Are you kidding me Marty, that’s your bread and butter, your cheese and crackers. You not scoring a touchdown in the first  8 weeks of a season is like Worm aka Cbass not menacing his way out of a game, almost impossible. But given the fact Rodgers is no Brady and McCarthy is no Belichick, I do give you some sympathy. No one can replace those two. You could have re-signed with the pats this year and not put yourself in this situation. They offered you a nice 3 year deal, but no, another patriot chasing the money rather than a ring. Now your telling the people that you might retire next year. Why not ride off into the sun with another ring on your finger if thats the case? I said I was done playing cards after the bad beat at Teddy KGB's, thought my career was over, thought Vegas was some pipe dream. But hey Marty, YOU CAN'T RUN FROM WHO YOU ARE, OUR DESTINY CHOOSES US.

Your destiny is ending your career as a fuckin New England Patriot and replacing the donkey we call Dwayne Allen.

If The Giants Had Any Class, They'd Release Eli So He Could Started On His 2018 Super Bowl Run With Tom

Ever since Tom Coughlin has left the Giants, they have been in complete disarray. Coughlin was the rock of the franchise. Coughlin was the only thing that kept that franchise together. Now they're in shambles with their quarterback up the creek without a paddle.

Can Blake Bortles tell you what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel? He's probably never even been there. Can Blake Bortles tell you about what it feels like to play with a coach and feel truly happy? Blake Bortles has never been even close to war. He'd probably just quote Shakespeare or something.

An Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin reunion would be the perfect fit. Eli playing football with Tom Coughlin again would actually be amazing. I hate seeing Eli like this with this crappy team. It's not even that he's sad and mopey all the time. I don't mind that Eli. That Eli actually cares. I love that Eli because he's my quarterback. The mopey and goofy guy who beats the Patriots and wins football games is the guy I know and love. I want that Eli back. The Eli we're seeing now just does not give a shit at all. It's sad. This is the Justin Verlander change of scenery move. We've seen it work before, and here we are. The 2007 New York Giants type defense combined with the 2007 New York Giants coach, this could be a great fit.

Look at this face. This is the face of a sad Eli. Why would you ever separate Eli from Coughlin? I knew that was bad news from the day that he left. Eli knew it. I knew it. Anyone with a brain knew that Eli was nothing without Coughlin. We want to make Eli happy again. Bring him back to Tom will do this. Eli hates being without Tom. 

This would be a Good Eli Manning scenario. It's not Eli's fault that the Giants are awful. Eli and Tom Coughlin need each other. They can't win without each other. If there's anyone to take down the Evil Empire in the AFC it's these two. They did it in the NFC, now it's time for them to do it in the AFC. Andy Reid can't do it. Mike Tomlin never did it. Flacco can't throw a ball throw a paper bag (except to Danny Woodhead, of course.) You need a Manning to take down the Patriots. You need a Manning and a Coughlin to take down the Patriots. You need these two.

Motivational Monday Video

So this is a new idea I am going to test it out with our sad 1600 views. However Rome was not built in a day so give us some time for the crops to grow. Back to business this video is going to make you want to run through a f**king wall. For the inaugural video, I decided to go with Bluto's big speech, from the classic, Animal House. The Delta's were down and out, dean Warmer was taking everything. Here comes Bluto digging deep with the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor and proclaiming to kill them all like Rambo. Guy is a legend who died too young, so if your needing that extra kick, you got it and run right through the f**king door into class, rise up its only a four day week.


And remember "WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH..................THE TOUGH GET GOING"

Enjoy your shitty Monday

How Christian McCaffrey Wins Super Bowl 56 For Bill Belichick And Sends Tom Brady Out In A Blaze Of Glory

Has there ever been a player that Bill Belichick wanted on his team more than Christian McCaffrey? The pass catching pedigree out of the backfield, the name, the grit, the toughness. In Bill Belichick's lab deep inside of the basement of Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts, there is a blueprint of the ideal New England running back. And Belichick found that player in a 5'8" 200 pound block of granite from North Platte, Nebraska named Danny Woodhead. And after his three seasons in New England, it looks like Belichick has finally found the man to pass the torch to as Danny Woodhead 2.0. And that man is Christian McCaffrey.

After four years of regret for not being able to draft him, Belichick signs him in 2021 as the savior New England needs. James White and Dion Lewis have left in free agency, Brady is on his last legs, McDaniels has left to coach the Colts with Jacoby Brisset, and the retirement of Julian and Danny A have left the offense in shambles. Jimmy Garoppolo has led the 49ers to the playoffs in back to back years and the Patriots are in desperate need of playmakers. Save for Brady, the cupboard looks pretty bare in New England.

McCaffrey comes into the New England system and dominates. There has never been a better match for system to player than this guy. It's Babe Ruth and Yankee Stadium, it's Kobe Bryant and the Triangle, it's Greg Maddux and the strike zone, it's McCaffrey and New England. Patriots Porn does not even begin to describe the feeling that will be McCaffrey and Tom Brady making magic on the football field in 2021.

Under the watchful eye of Brady and Belichick, McCaffrey leads the Patriots to a 2021 Super Bowl and sends the two out into the sunset with the last Super Bowl ring that they had always wanted. And as McCaffrey stands up to take his MVP Trophy from Terry Bradshaw, he looks at the camera and says into the mic, "This one's for Danny Woodhead!" And raises the trophy above his head before hugging Brady and kissing the Lombardi Trophy.

Just you wait I'm already ordering my jersey.

"I Can Be A Better Man" - Josh Gordon

Yes Josh, you can be a better man. Not only did you just quote a famous song from Pearl Jam, you just gave Matt Damon your word that theirs no more fuckin around. You better believe I stuck my neck out for you this week and picked you up in free agency. Right now, your in the penthouse with your feet perched up on my table feasting on the corn that I fought for. I'm warning you, this isn't a "go around go and get $200" kinda thing, you have to fight for your meals just like every other degenerate in this league. If I don't feel that's happening and your not paying your debt, I'll give you to Teddy KGB who's connected to the Russian Mafia. Have fun with him, he'll probably wax your ass.

It has been almost 3 years since you've played in an NFL game. The Browns are 11-45 since the shmuck ratted on you in 2014. By November 27th, you will be eligible to play for the shitty Cleveland Browns with DeShone Kizer as quarterback. Which leads me to a conclusion that you will be playing in the final 5 games if your not a donkey. Cleveland does not have many threats at WR so your presence is gonna be needed at that time. They passed on Carson Wentz in the draft last season, and Deshaun watson this year, the city needs a boost. Bottom line, the city of Cleveland needs a spark and your substance abuse ass better give em something.

So I wish you the best of luck, really don't want to feed you to Teddy KGB because you already know what will happen. In these upcoming weeks, if I have one piece of advise to end all demons before November 27th, FIND THE RAT.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDTRyjMnDOk