I Went To Go See About My Old Football Coach

It was all over when Tom left. Eli knew it. I knew it. Anyone with a brain knew it. It was the beginning of the end when Colonel Coughlin left. It was like when Larry David left Seinfeld. When Tom Osborne left Nebraska. When Eric Foreman left That 70's Show. These things happen. People get sick of each other. Bo Pelini gets fired, and all of a sudden your out on the streets with four wins and up the creek without a fucking paddle. Tom Coughlin gets fired and all hell breaks lose. People start going on boat trips, Al Pacino getting a head coaching job, Odell starts doing his best Daniel Day Lewis impression from My Left Foot. Colonel Coughlin was the foundation and Eli was the cement. Everything else was window dressing. Without the foundation, we've just got concrete squirting everywhere like Nickelodeon slime getting in people's eyes in shit. We've got too much fucking filling in our Dutch Apple Pie. We need the crumbly stuff on top that holds all that shit together; that's Colonel Coughlin.

Ben McAboob is that douchey math teacher in Good Will Hunting that tries to get Damon to do all that complicated math shit that never gets Damon anywhere. Leave that complicated shit for Aaron Rodgers. Eli isn't Aaron Rodgers. Eli doesn't want to work for the NSA. He's not built to sit in a fucking room and break code. 

Why shouldn't Eli work for the NSA? It's a tough one but I'll take a shot. Maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa and once they have that location they bomb the village where the rebels are living and 1,500 people get killed. Now the politicians say send in the Marines because it's not their kid over there getting shot. It'll be some kid from Southie over there getting shrapnel in the ass and coming back home to find the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from and the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job because he'll work for 15 less cents a day and no bathroom breaks.

**Spagnuolo having some brews with Eli** 

I'd do anything to have what you got. Any of these guys would. And if you're still here next year I'll fucking kill you. Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. And we go out, we have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. you just left. I don't know much, but I know that. 

Now, if the Giants had any class, which they obviously don't, they'd release Eli so he could take his own boat trip down to Jacksonville and get Colonel Coughlin a real quarterback instead of Blake Bortles. Can Blake Bortles tells you what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel? Can Blake Bortles tell you what it's like to play with a football coach and feel truly happy? Can Blake Bortles tell you about love? No. Ask him about war, he'd probably quote you something from a dusty old book. Ask him about love, he'd probably quote Shakespeare. 

Not Eli. Eli's been through the wars. Eli's loved. Eli knows what it's like to feel truly happy. He's a goofy guy who knows how to get the job done. He's the underdog. If Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are the Phillistines, then Eli Manning is little old David with a football and a sling. If the Patriots are those douchey kids in the Sandlot who wore those weird ear muffs when they hit then Eli is Benny the Jet. Fucking stealing home, building erector sets, jumping fences, anything for the good of the team. And Colonel Coughlin is James Earl Jones. Eli's Charlie Brown when the Peanuts play baseball. The guy is always positive. Always trying to find a way to win. Always finding a way to throw strikes and get people out. Always trying to bring the team together. Always bringing his lunch pail to work. Always taking the ball in spite of the lack of effort from everyone else on the defensive side of the football. And it fucking hurts to see Eli sad man. That sucks when football guys cry. It's up there with your dog dying. I only cry when Eli cries and when Captain Queenan dies in the Departed, and for everyone who's ever loved Eli, this is a night to forget about life for a little while, watch some Good Will Hunting, and remember that it isn't your fault Eli. It's not your fault buddy. It's not your fault. I love you Eli. 

People call these things imperfections, but they're not. That's the good stuff. We get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. Bo Pelini, Eli Manning, Danny Woodhead. They're not perfect, and Colonel Coughlin isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not they're perfect for each other. And God knows Tom and Eli are.

Your move chief.

P.S. Geno Smith is the weird assistant math teacher that Damon always cucks in the movie. Be more of a beta male who can't solve any of the math problems before Damon, you can't.